Tara Wants a Boyfriend: Supporting Choice, Independence, and Safe Relationships for People with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
For people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD), the desire for connection, intimacy, and meaningful relationships is no different than it is for anyone else. Yet for decades, systems of support have treated these desires as risks to be controlled rather than human needs to be supported. In the IDD Perspectives webinar Tara Wants a Boyfriend: Strategies for Supporting Choice, Independence, and Safe Relationships, Dr. Craig Escudé and Johnathon Crumley challenged that mindset and offered a practical, person-centered framework for supporting autonomy without compromising health and safety.
This session explored why supporting relationships for people with IDD can feel uncomfortable for providers, and why that discomfort often says more about systems and assumptions than about the person themselves.
Why Supporting Relationships Still Feels So Hard
Johnathon Crumley began by asking a fundamental question: How did we get here? Why does the field still struggle to support people with IDD in having the same choices, dignity, and opportunities that others take for granted?
To answer that, he traced today’s challenges back to the era of institutionalization. While many people with IDD now live in community settings, the philosophy of institutional care often follows them out the door. Rigid routines, collective decision-making, and a focus on keeping people “safe” rather than fulfilled continue to shape how services are delivered. Simply put, the buildings changed, but the mindset often remained the same.
This lingering institutional mindset shows up most clearly when people with IDD express desires that feel risky to supporters, like dating, intimacy, or sexual relationships. When disability is all we see, Crumley explained, almost any restriction can be justified and labeled as “support,” even when it limits a person’s quality of life.
“The Problem to Fix Is Not the Person—It’s Us”
One of the most powerful moments of the webinar came when Crumley stated plainly: “The real problem to fix is not the person or their diagnosis. It’s us.” For too long, behaviors, diagnoses, or perceived limitations have been treated as the issue to solve, rather than examining the beliefs and biases that shape support decisions.
This reframing is uncomfortable, but necessary. When supporters assume they know what is “best,” autonomy is often sacrificed in the name of protection. The result is a system that prioritizes liability reduction over lived experience and safety over self-determination.
A Practical Framework for Balancing Choice and Safety
Rather than stopping at philosophy, the webinar offered a clear, repeatable framework for supporting choice while managing risk. This approach is grounded in person-centered thinking and begins with discovery – not paperwork or assessments.
The first step is truly understanding what is important to the person, not just what is important for them. This requires going beyond surface-level questions and exploring why something matters. Knowing that someone wants a relationship is important; understanding why connection, intimacy, or companionship matters to them is transformative.
Once what matters is clear, teams can then identify legitimate risks and barriers. Importantly, this step is not about finding reasons to say no. It is about being honest and realistic while remaining optimistic, asking not “Why can’t this work?” but “How could this work safely?”
Education follows naturally. Just as anyone educates themselves before pursuing something meaningful, people with IDD deserve access to information about consent, boundaries, safety, emotional readiness, and healthy relationships. Education is not a gatekeeper; it is an enabler of autonomy.
Negotiating Support—With the Person, Not Around Them
One of the most critical—and often overlooked—steps in the framework is negotiating support. Rather than planning for the person or despite the person, supporters work with them to determine how support will look. The person maintains control over the “who, what, when, where, and why,” while supporters collaborate on the “how.” Support staff and staff members play a key role in this process, helping to negotiate support and ensure safety while respecting the individual’s preferences.
This negotiation honors the dignity of risk while acknowledging legitimate safety concerns. It also shifts the role of staff from gatekeepers to partners—an essential change for person-centered practice to succeed. Striking a balance between safety and autonomy is crucial, as supporting individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities means empowering them to make their own choices while providing appropriate guidance and support.
Tara’s Story: What This Looks Like in Real Life
To bring the framework to life, Crumley shared the case example of Tara, a 25-year-old woman living in a group home who wants a boyfriend. Tara formed a connection with Steve, someone she met in the community, and wants to invite him over for a date. Not a supervised social event, but a real date, with privacy and choice.
Through discovery, the team learns that Tara is not ready for sexual intimacy but does want to explore a relationship. The importance of emotional closeness and fulfilling relationships is recognized, as Tara values her friends and the companionship of a romantic partner. From there, risks are identified honestly, including knowledge gaps about dating and consent. The team also addresses feelings, physical intimacy, sexual health, and the risks of sexual abuse as part of the planning process. Education is provided, and supports are negotiated collaboratively. Tara agrees to safety strategies such as staff check-ins and a signal to request help to protect her without undermining her autonomy.
Every aspect of the plan is thoroughly documented, ensuring transparency, accountability, and continuity. After the date, the team reflects with Tara, evaluates what worked and what didn’t, and adjusts supports accordingly. This process continues over time, allowing learning to build rather than starting from scratch with each new experience.
Why This Matters
At its core, this webinar was not just about dating or relationships; it was about re-humanizing people with IDD. Crumley emphasized that desires for intimacy, connection, and contribution are basic human experiences—not privileges reserved for those without disabilities.
When systems deny these experiences outright, they reinforce the very institutional mindset the field is working to dismantle. Supporting choice does not mean abandoning safety. It means undertaking the more challenging work of thoughtful planning, honest education, and collaborative support, while promoting positive control and replacing risk with proactive strategies that empower adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities to lead fulfilling lives.
Moving Forward
Supporting people with IDD in relationships requires courage, humility, and skill. It requires a willingness to challenge long-held assumptions and to see risk not as something to eliminate, but as something to manage thoughtfully. As Dr. Escudé and Crumley demonstrated, when person-centered thinking guides practice, it is possible to support independence, dignity, and safety—without sacrificing any of them.
For organizations and supporters ready to move beyond compliance toward true person-centered practice, this conversation is not optional. It is essential.
Additional Resources:
– Learn more about our free IDD Perspectives webinar series here
– Explore our person-centered thinking training options: download our free brochure









